In 1983 I married. By 2003 I was an alcoholic.
I would drink vodka for breakfast while living in a nice house and raising 3 teenagers.
The constant state of anxiety coupled with my fear built to a crescendo over 23 years.
January 27th, 2006, the trapdoor opened and I flew out. . . away from that emotional roller coaster ride. . . into another. . .
The lessons had not been learned.
The next relationship was more abusive, more extreme, and also built to a crescendo. This time in 3 years.
It ended with me in court facing into the relationship, looking at a photo album of pictures of my bruises, face and body.
I stopped, began to turn inward, to ask questions.
What happened and why?
I would listen to an Osho meditation every night at 6pm and fall asleep.
For a year I fell asleep and then one day I stayed awake during the entire meditation.
Then a man invited me to a workshop. I cried, and couldn’t stop, during the whole day.
I couldn’t understand what he was talking about and I felt really afraid.
He gave us a crystal to hold and asked us to meditate 3 times a day for 5 minutes feeling unconditional love.
I hadn’t heard those words together before – unconditional and love.
But I knew what that was. When I was a teenager my family got a dog. I loved that dog and would squeeze it until it ran away from me.
My children I unconditionally love. . . I know this feeling.
We all do. . . and it’s patient.
Journeys into the dark are a way to the Love, the light.
Repeating patterns of behaviour is a way to the light, the Love.
We can go full circle again and again with the Love, worth, joy for self, the balance, right there.
Forgiveness I’ve found to be invaluable, and compassion, heart discernment, and gratitude for everything.
This wisdom I found contemplating the tri-flame in the heart chakra.
Several years ago, I heard Sanat Kumara say we do not contemplate the tri-flame enough, so I started. . .
I found I control my self with the guilt of the past. Doing this I attract repeated work.
Now I work in a drug and alcohol addiction recovery center with young people.
My journey into the dark is something to draw on. It is invaluable, priceless.
I am in gratitude to my self, that Golden Flame of the Father, in the tri-flame.
With compassion, my pink flame of self love, worth, and joy, and with forgiveness, the Mother’s Blue Flame for self/All, I am finding balance, that place of no doubt.
As within so without.
How I feel within affects the whole.
Balance within creates balance without.
Have I forgiven myself?
Who Am I?
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