By Steve Beckow, May 26th, 2018, Golden Age of Gaia
Vasanas run very, very, very deep.
To think that we’ve gotten to the bottom of one after processing it once is probably dreaming.
I’m still dealing with my father hatred – indeed patrilineal hatred (throw in Grandpa for good measure).
The reason I raise it is that I’m sitting here, in this cloudless spring day, beautiful blue sky over English Bay, and I feel angry.
Why do I feel angry?
And what I get is an entire script that I’d like to run for you now.
This is me processing a vasana, getting underneath it.
First line in the script: I consider myself a father hater.
Second: And no one could love a father hater, right?
Third: Therefore I’m unlovable.
Fourth: Therefore leave me alone.
This is the way the script I follow runs. Endlessly in the deep recesses of my mind – way below everyday awareness.
I wear “Father Hater” like a brand on my forehead. Everyone who sees me says, there goes a father hater, a demon (or so I think).
This is the seed of my later automatic behavior – and this subterranean growl I have going on with me.
It isn’t like I can lie my face off on this one. I plead guilty. I do hate my father.
I know. I know. Forgive yourself.
I’m not ready yet. I want to be heard first.
I could be kind. But I don’t feel kind. I’m angry at my Dad for “robbing me of a life.” How do I feel? I feel angry, resentful, hostile. I want to get even. And I get madder every year.
My Dad yelled at me from a few inches in front of my face when I was seven. I shattered and remained dissociated from age seven to age fifty-eight.
What you’re hearing are lines that script my life from the moment they were recorded to now. I’m following them down to my unconscious beliefs.
They’re written in stone on the dimmer levels of the mind. The equivalent of hardwiring, the source of automaticity, robot-like behavior, two-dimensionality.
My inner dissociated self always felt ineffective, broken, unstable. He was perpetually miserable, Michael tells me, because he felt betrayed at the loss of his Father’s love.
And, yes, I can remember feeling that way. That’s accurate. I feel release on this score having remembered that. The truth has set me free on this aspect of my father hatred.
Let’s turn to my second, outer dissociated self. That persona was an over-achiever, an over-producer, a rajasic or Type A personality.
Geek. Very shallow. No better off than the other one. To him, worth depended on output. Well, that’s not too different from today.
The one remark my Father made that really got in and hurt was calling me a lazy, no-good good-for-nothing. I was going to show him on that one.
And I still am. Book-of-the-month club? Encyclopedic knowledge? No, just over-compensating for a childhood wound.
I think I’ve gotten even with my Dad for calling me that. I’ve buried him in books. I’ve proven to the world that I’m neither lazy nor good-for-nothing. I’m good at producing books.
OK, I got it on that aspect too. I’m over-producing to get even with Dad for that remark.
Steve, mission accomplished: You got even. You can relax, my friend. Message in a bottle: Remind Steve to relax.
Again, the truth sets me free from the pattern.
So the two patterns are now up to awareness and have loosened their grip on me, having been seen and realized.
To say to you, yes, I hate him, in my world, is to be authentic, honest, real, and helpful. This way, others don’t have to corner me or pull it out of me. I’m volunteering it. I’m calling myself on my own number.
Yes, it hurts when you first do it. But after a while, it’s no big deal. Yes, I did it. Guilty as charged. Next?
This is part of the overall way I want to live my life. I’m serving public notice. I’m tired of the way we as a society communicate. It doesn’t feed me. It doesn’t do it for me.
This is also the way processing a vasanas goes. I’m “sourcing” or completing mine as we go, here. At least at one level.
I got my betrayed feeling and my strategy of getting even. I feel release from the automatic ways of being I devised as a result of hating my father.
Thank you for coming with me on this journey into the unconscious and for listening.
Now I can forgive my Father. I was not ready to before. But I am now.
And now I can also forgive myself.
I forgive my Father and my Grandfather. Both of them had rough lives, nothing like mine. And Dad was in danger of being torpedoed every time he crossed the Atlantic in WW2.
Neither was well educated. What would Dad know of transference? He just went with how he felt – and probably felt good that he expressed it.
And I can forgive myself. I think many if not most people would probably resent that kind of treatment.
Anyways the matter was over and done with long ago. I proved my point and now it’s time to move on.
Let it go, Steve.
I let it go.
I invoke the Laws of Elimination, Change, Transmutation, Above and Below and Sanat Kumara to take away any father hatred that remains in me and transmute it into Love for my earthly Father and Grandfather and for my Heavenly Father.