As I reach the conclusion of this series, just like last year when the unexpected hatred reared its head, this year I find my self again at a new level.
I am one who has struggled with suicidal thoughts for much of my life.
If I perceive something is too much, too extreme for me to handle, I want to leave.
In the moments of drama and disarray, it feels as if there is no other way.
In the province of British Columbia statistics show, from 2006 to 2016, 5-600 people a year die from suicide (1), with more men than women choosing this way to leave. The desperation of ‘there appears to be no way out of this mess’ but to die is a reality for many.
This life I’m here to know, and to show there is a way out, and that way is looking in.
****
This time my suicidal thoughts arose I resisted as before and justified, was angry, fearful, and not able to observe, but as I reached a level of exhaustion, I surrendered.
I Am Nothing
As soon as I said those words, I felt comfort, peace, and alignment.
Energy smoothed. It wasn’t jagged.
Every time it became jagged, I said the words again.
Balance — no more hatred of self — I Am Nothing.
I surrender.
I Am Acceptance of what is.
****
After a certain amount of time my ability to face into the disarray and observe returned.
“How are these thoughts (is this way of being) connected to the past?
“Where did the pattern start?”
I invoke Sanat Kumara and the Universal Law of Transformation.
In my heart, I Am Forgiveness, and forgive the images that arise to be seen.
“I forgive my self for not experiencing and expressing my self as Divine.”
I apologize and am so grateful for the patience
of ever-present guidance and circle.
I Am Compassion for self/others.
I Am Gratitude for this greater clarity of the pattern.
I see who is showing me where I have need to be greater gratitude, the metaphorical beings representing “mother and father.”
Acceptance, deeper surrender. . .
I receive, I allow, I accept, I give, I Am Gratitude (2)
I receive, I allow, I accept, I (for)give (my self), I Am Gratitude
I forgive my physical mother and father.
I forgive the Divine Mother and Father.
I Love and forgive my self for everything.
I Am Compassion, non-judgemental, kind, and gentle to my self.
I Am Gratitude for everything,
especially my physical mother and father,
my family, friends, the Divine Mother and Father,
for my teachers, Linda Dillon and Steve Beckow,
and for all my life expressions and experiences.
I Am Nothing
I Am Gratitude
Footnotes
(1) BC Coroners Service, Suicide Deaths in BC, 2006 – 2016, https://www2.gov.bc.ca/assets/gov/birth-adoption-death-marriage-and-divorce/deaths/coroners-service/statistical/suicide.pdf
(2) Universal Law of Give and Receive
When we open to receive Love, allow and accept Love, and give away — let go all ways of being that are not of love with forgiveness, compassion, gratitude in humility — we find what remains is a constant natural state, sublime joy, our sacred purpose.
Here is a mantra:
I receive I allow I accept I give I Am Gratitude
Especially in our darkest hours (our grandest hours), if we can do this — let go the entrenched belief systems and transcend our core issues of sorrow, shame, and fear, raise our vibrations to gratitude, match our frequency to joy, and be joy — we discover Divine Sacred Purpose and can create what we truly desire, what our heart desires.
When the power of forgiveness, compassion, gratitude — joy — reaches a certain strength, Who We Truly Are emerges along with our Divine Sacred Purpose.
